Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Mother vs. Mother

"Once a Mom, always a Mom".

I distinctly remember my Grandmother telling me this a long time ago. I'm not sure why it stuck with me all these years, but I have been thinking about it recently.

Whether you have had a baby or have been pregnant and suffered the loss of one: You are a Mother. No one can take that a way from you. It's an elite club.

I'm not typically one to form or join an elitist club, but this one is too good to pass up. And, it's worthwhile. Moms really have to stick together; this is a tough job after all. Raising children, managing a household, loving our husbands, maybe working outside the home...the list goes on and we need to support one another in this club of ours.

So, why then, do we as mothers criticize each other so much? Why do we judge? I know I've done it. I know we've all done it. It's a part of "The Club" I'd like to remove.

Here are just a few topics we argue about in public and behind closed doors (and these are just the ones I've encountered, I'm sure there will be many more!):
  • To vaccinate or not to vaccinate
  • To put our kids on a schedule or not to schedule
  • To allow our kids to sleep in bed with us or not to allow them
  • To spank or not to spank
  • To home school or to send them to public school or to Christian school
  • To let them watch TV or not watch TV (before or after a certain age...)
  • To work outside the home or not to work
  • To "x" or not to "x"---you fill in the topic
And the list goes on...and on...

But none of these issues are Salvation issues. Not one. So why do we argue?

Instead, we should focus our energy on helping our friends and fellow Mothers decide if it is a spiritual issue for them. And pray. And then pray some more.

Here's an example:
Friend A feels like God is calling her to "home school" her child for preschool. They don't really have the money to send their child to school and the mom gets her children out to bible study, play groups, classes, etc...regularly. The mom is torn about what to do because she knows her child would love the interaction with other kids.

Friend B has only one child and may not have any more. She has immersed herself in her daughter and her daughter's needs. They do everything together. But she feels like God is calling her to send her child to preschool outside the home so they can both develop other relationships. She feels like her daughter would benefit from the separation--as hard as it may be.

Who is "right"? Who is "wrong"? The answer is simple: neither one is "right" if they do not follow God's calling for them. The one who is "wrong" is the one who ignores God's will for their family. Keeping your child home or sending them to school is not the spiritual issue.

The spiritual issue is what God is calling you to do and being obedient to that calling.

We need to quit bickering and judging. And start getting to the root of the issues: What is God calling you and your family to do? Your answer may be different than mine and we can both be right.

We're all in this together.

"Once a Mom, always a Mom".

And we need to stick together.

This job is already hard enough.

"When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness."
Proverbs 31:26 (NLT)

Monday, January 31, 2011

A Few Thoughts About Sleep

It's no secret that I love to sleep. Any time, any where. 8+ hours at night, minimum. Naps. Snoozes. Whatever you call it, I like to sleep. There is nothing like a good night of sleep and certainly there is nothing as rejuvenating as sleeping in past 9am on any given day. Every day, really. 

You might say I'm a bit obssesive about sleep.

Enter the variable of a child, or in my case, children, and my obsession gets a little tricky.

When Anders was born, I knew there would be many sleepless nights ahead. Surprisingly, he turned out to be a pretty good sleeper. There were a few bumps along the way, but overall he was a great sleeper and I was soon able to get back to my obsession, even if it was modified a little. I was feeling pretty good, even when I found out I was pregnant with Jacobson Baby #2.

Fast forward to May 2010.

Anders quit sleeping.

Not only had he dropped his morning nap,  all of a sudden he didn't want to take an afternoon nap and 6am seemed to be a perfectly normal time to start the day. We switched him to a "big boy" bed because Baby #2 was coming soon, and he quickly figured out that he could get in/out of his bed much easier than his crib. Going to bed at night became a fight.

And so a struggle of epic proportions began.

20 month old with a new found love of not sleeping
Pregnant mother who is obssessed with sleep (and a lot of it)

We have tried everything over the last 7 months:
  • Gates (yes, pluarl) in his doorway to keep him in
  • Clocks to show what time it is (don't get out of bed until "X" time)
  • Bribery
  • Threats
  • Laying in his room with him
  • Pack-n-play
  • Rain machine for background noise
  • Music
  • Allowing him to lay on the floor instead of in bed
  • Crying (me, not necessarily Anders)
  • Praying...
For months I was angry about his lack of willingness to love sleep as much as I do. I was so exhausted when Cade was born--not due to having a newborn, but because Anders was just wearing me out. It was hard for me to enjoy spending time with Anders because he was so tired all the time and just plain cranky. I kept thinking that if he would just sleep until 7am, I would be such a better mom--he would get more sleep, I would get more sleep and our day would just get off to a better start.

We have had some small successes along the way. He did start taking a longer afternoon nap again and staying in bed has gotten a lot better. There are days where he gets up at 6am, but he will come and lay in our bed with us for a while before starting his day. Anders has adapted to sleeping about 9 hours at night and 1.5-2 during the day.

So what worked? Which items on the list were the "winners"? Aren't you just dying to know?

Probably a combination of a few of them. But I am convinced that the one that has made the most impact is prayer. Simply put, I think this issue comes down to being a spiritual issue for me:

Sleep is my "god" and God didn't like that. And so he helped me adjust my priorities.

I still love to sleep. And my thoughful husband allows me the luxury of sleeping in one day on the weekends while he hangs out with the kids. But I am working on not being so obsessed with needing sleep above all else. This has been a real inner struggle for me over the past 7 months.

Let's just say God and I have had a few "discussions" over the last few months. In the beginning it was mostly me telling him how much I hated this new arrangment and could he please make Anders sleep more. But these conversations slowly turned to him reminding me that I am not in control and he knows what's best, even if I was a bit tired.

It has been a daily surrender to God of my attitude, will, and anger about not getting the amount of sleep I wanted. But when I'm most tired and exhausted, I have to rely on him because I don't have the energy to do it myself. And that is really a wonderful place to be. Relying on God. 100%.

I have had to own my bad attitude and adjust my expectations of Anders and my own needs. And I have learned two very valuable lessons.

1. If we allow God, he will use our children to teach us as much or more than we could ever teach them.
2. God wants to mold and refine us into who he wants us to be. We can take the easy road. Or in my case, climb Mt. Everest. Next time I'll hopefully choose the Walk in the Park route.

What is your "god"?
How is God encouraging you to let it go?
Did you have to climb Mt. Everest to let it go or did you learn a little more easily than I did?
What was the most recent thing your child(ren) taught you?

My hope is that you haven't had to go through the "Valley of the Shadow of No Sleep". In the end I'm glad I visited there for a while because ultimately, it brought me closer to the feet of God. And there is no better place to be.

Except maybe in bed. (I'm still learning...)