Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A Thief in the Night

It sneaks into every crevice of my brain. It does not have permission to be there, and yet it lurks, ever so quietly throughout the day and into the night. It trespasses into parts I didn't even know were there. And then it robs me.

It robs me of my own sanity. Of decision making skills. It takes without asking. Like my ability to produce a clear train of thought. It steals my blood pressure gauge, making me unable to control my frustration or emotions. It destroyed my ability to love my friends' kids. It removed the joy of being with Joel. And most frustratingly, it took my ability to see my child for what he is.

Post-partum depression is a nasty thief. The secret destroyer.

In all of the pre-baby classes there are warnings about this nasty sickness, it's signs and symptoms and phone numbers to call for help. But the nastiest part of the illness is that it doesn't allow you to recognize or believe that you have it.

Tricky, like a burglar.

And that's the best way I can think to describe it: A thief. A robber. A burglar prowling around my mind. It's not like you can send the cops into to catch it, either. I'm trapped in my own body fighting, alone.

There have been great supporters--especially Joel. He recognized the problem and sent me for help. And I will be forever grateful. For me, there seems to be a lot of shame associated with PPD. Like you're not a good mom. Or you're not a strong enough person to deal with it yourself. The worst part for a highly "with-it" person like me is the sudden and almost instant inability to cope--I can't make a split-second decision anymore, large groups overwhelm me, there are times that I'm unable to spit out a complete sentence, and sadly, I wasn't so sure about Anders for the first six or so weeks of his life.

It's not that I didn't love him. I just didn't know what to do with him. And that makes the shame and guilt worse. The lies are easy to believe--you'll bond with your baby instantly, you'll just love him to pieces, you'll just want to spend every moment watching him grow...and on and on. And when it wasn't that way for me, I felt desparate and alone.

So why today? Why share my struggle? I guess, why not? It is a burden for me and it is helpful to share it with others. I know that I can't be the only one who has been terrorized by this and I know I won't be the last.

And, I share my story because life is getting better. I feel a bit restoration when I share this with others. I have accepted it for what it is--an illness I must battle until it's gone. I recognize my limitations and the strengths that I still posses. I know that God is good and He is faithful and patient enough to restore me. I love Anders more and more each day and know that he is very forgiving of a mother who isn't quite sure what she's doing.

Most importantly, I have hope that like my Grandmother said, "The best is yet to be."

5 comments:

my3boys said...

Sarah,
Your words today are beautiful and as always, insightful. I'm so glad you shared this because like you said, God IS good! Now I can pray for you and your family that you will all be strengthened by Him and His amazing love! Take care and call me sometime!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing Sarah. I didn't have the ppd as you did, mine hit this last year as perimenopause. They are similar, the depression, not being able to sleep, talk, and wanting to be alone and all based on hormones. I am glad you people, especially Joel to support you and that things are getting better. Lack of sleep doesn't help matters. As for not being sure what to do with a new born baby, Clint kept asking where the instrucion manual was for Meghan. She turns 6 on Friday and there are days when we still wonder where the instrucion manual is but we trust our instincts as parents more and talking with other parents helps. I was lucky, our local hospital has what they call New Moms (now parents) Monday. I am not sure I could have made it through with out that group. I developed friends and a play group that still meets even if our kids are older. I hope you can find a similar group.

Again thanks for sharing, I believe that in sharing you become stronger and it empowers yourself and others.

Best of luck to you. And to Joel, way to go!

Tricia said...

Sarah, thank your for your honesty. What a season, my friend. You are not alone in your journey, but you gave words to the emotions so many woman cannot identify.

I just read this quote today: "The function of freedom is to free somone else." (Toni Morrison, via Anne Lamott)

Your words are beautiful and encouraging... You will set women free.

Much love to you.

And you're a good mom.

Beverly said...

You are a good mom! And it's not wrong to crave time away from the baby, either. :-) There have been times lately when the older 3 kids have been doing something (skiing, PE classes, etc) and I've been with Kenna. While the one-on-one time can be nice (the poor girl doesn't get a whole lot of that), and I DO enjoy getting to read and play with her and listen to her giggle with me...I have to be honest that sometimes it's just not all it's cracked up to be!

I used to think I was a pretty "normal" person--even-keeled, fairly in control of my emotions, etc. But the ups and downs of motherhood are really nothing that any books or classes can prepare you for. They STILL happen to me! Other people tell me I'm so organized or apparently believe that I have it "all together," but those are people who just don't know because they aren't there!

I agree that lack of sleep is definitely not helpful in these situations. Don't feel bad taking time to take care of yourself--you need it. You have a wonderful husband and many family and friends who love you and are praying for you!!

Alli said...

Hi...

We have a good friend in common. She pointed me in the direction of your blog because she walked with me through my PPD.

I looked through my blog to see if I could reference and entry or two. But I couldn't. The only thing I noticed was that my 20-50 entries per month were a mere 5 through the two months of pain.

It is a very difficult journey. The loneliness, guilt, sadness and tears are overwhelming. I get it.

There is comfort on the other side. A great deal of it.

If you want to talk...